VivaCity

Dooce (dooce.com) poses a question to those of us plodding along in her footsteps, struggling to eke out a blog and fill it with brightly intellectual fodder for the mind. Or just, you know, go on and on about our babies' bowel movements. Which can be quite fascinating, actually. Ever see the business end of a jar of pureed carrots? Care to go there? Dare me. Double dog dare me.

She asks, what are your deal breakers? Following is a short list of my own personal "deal breakers..."

• Stringing me along for 4.5 years with a carrot of a job dangling on a stick that was never going to be mine. Bitches.
• The consistent use of double negatives. It's over, Johnny. Or rather, it ain't not over.
• Poor hygiene. I had to kick Matthew McConaughey to the curb when I heard that nasty rumor that he doesn't wear deodorant. He was heartbroken.
• Gross misrepresentation, which I feel Nathaniel may be guilty of. I could have sworn he boasted of being a "neat freak" at some point early in our relationship. Baby, what happened?? Where's my stenographer? Read that part back.
• Petty, close-minded, egotistical self-involved attitudes. See first item.

In closing, I would like to point out that I feel I am an excellent candidate for The World's Most Laid-Back Person, but eff me once, shame on me. Eff me over a period of 4.5 years, shame on you, bitches, I'm out. Peace.