VivaCity

In order for me to properly set up this next juicy morsel of good wholesome fun for your viewing enjoyment, I must first tell you a little about Nathaniel. He is a fun-loving, adventuresome man whose life's pursuit is to find the line of my irritation, nudge it, then take a flying leap gleefully past it with both eyes closed.

In this manner we set out Saturday morning for the Metroparks Zoo, where my office was having its annual summer family outing. On the way there, we were discussing the many animals we will see there, what Spencer's favorite is (lion), what Nathaniel's favorite is (monkeys), etc. etc. etc. No sooner had we covered the topic of monkeys than we happen across what appeared to be the two finest ladies our city has to offer taking a leisurely stroll in their Saturday best...halter tops and shorts cut off up to their eyebrows. Lovely. I mumbled something along the lines of, Holy Jeez, put some clothes on, and Nathaniel, not about to let a golden opportunity like this one pass him by, actually TOOTS THE HORN AT THEM. Ha ha. Ha fucking ha ha ha.

Having made their days, I'm sure, we continue on past these diamonds in the rough to the zoo. Since I'm still laughing uproariously over Nathaniel's little prank, when Spence asks if we are there yet for the 2 millionth time, I say No dear, your father's still looking for booty. In hindsight, of course, I've now filed this under Things I Wish I'd Never Said To My Kid. Spence says...Dada is? I say Yes, Dada. He says, He likes booty? I say Yes, yes indeed, very much. Silence from the backseat for approximately one full minute, which in 3-yr-old time computes to about 25 years. Then our tiny genius starts making connections, all on his own, which ALMOST made up for the stupid honking in the first place. It's quite elementary, dear Watson.

Dada likes monkeys? Yes, love.
Dada likes booty? Mmm-hmmm.
Dada likes monkey booty?

I'm reminded of some class I took, probably in grade school, where we learned that if Statement A is true and Statement B is true, you can only deduct that the third related statement is true. Therefore, Nathaniel does in fact enjoy a good piece of monkey booty.

Which would all be well and good and hilarious in its own right, if we hadn't been on our way to the friggin zoo. You might see where I'm going with this.

A lovely luncheon with my co-workers and their respective families begins our outing. I load the baby in the front carrier (I call this my strap-on), slather sunscreen on everyone, and off we go for a relaxing tour of the zoo on a lovely summer day. You'd think we were June friggin Cleaver and Company if you didn't know better.

Pink flamingos, elephants, kangaroos, parrots...We really do have a stellar zoo in our city. Spence is excited and having the time of his life, roaring right back at the lion, finding an exotic STICK on the ground, just absolutely in little boy heaven. At this point Nathaniel and I have completely forgotten about anything but just trying to struggle along, exhausted from schlepping gear and juggling responsibilities...Winding down our trip and thinking about home.

We come across quite the crowd, approximately two-thirds of Cleveland's respectable children and their respectable parents are gathered here at one exhibit, quite excited to be pressing up against a square of glass, on the other side of which is a beautiful hulking black gorilla. Spence worms his way to the front of this crowd, and when he sees what the fuss is about, he understands why.

"Whooo-EEE! Dada! Dada, look! Look at dat MONKEY!"

Something triggers our Parental Alarms, and we start edging towards the exit.

"Dada! You see dat monkey? Just look at dat MONKEY BOOTY! Whooo-EEE! You like dat, Dada? YOU LIKE DAT MONKEY BOOTY? YOU WANT SOME??"

You see, all of this could have been avoided had Nathaniel simply not honked the horn at some young thangs with twice my figure and none of my good taste, all in the name of humor. I hope he's learned his lesson.

So dim the lights and don the gorilla suit, honey, tonight I'm making all your dreams come true.