VivaCity

Things I found while cleaning up the yard/driveway yesterday:

• A lone sock
• Enough loose change to buy a new mattress set
• Lego connectors
• Dryer lint
• A single allergy pill in the foil packet (a new asshole, just what Nathaniel always wanted)
• Firecracker shrapnel

I swear to you, it doesn't appear at first glance that we are living The White Trash American Dream, but spend an afternoon combing the long grass at the corners of the garage and deck and you shall find treasure! Treasure beyond your wildest dreams...If your dreams are to swim in a pool of filth and totally identify with the Jeff Foxworthy You Might Be A Redneck If list. Apparently, back in the dawn of time, shortly after the Garden of Eden was created, God empowered Eve with the one true, bright shining knowledge that has been handed down to generations of women over the eons...Where the garbage can is located. Men seem to be lacking this information encoded on their DNA, which, puzzling and frustrating as it may be, is better accepted than fought. My theory is that this knowledge was somehow contained in the rib that was given to Eve, forever after exempting Adam and the entire male gender from ever having to pick up after themselves. Ever. If I had a million dollars to stash quickly, I would hide it in the garbage can and pet it lovingly every time I visit said can, approximately 25.6 million times a day. The men would NEVER FIND IT. Mu-hahahahahaha!!

Why is it Mondays seem so dismal? The entire week stretching out before you seems endless, no escape from the tedium of 9-5...Excepting of course, children and family...Without them, I feel sure my eyes would permanently cross from staring at this damnable screen all day, a steady trickle of drool dribbling down my chin.

So that is the price I pay, this is the Great Trade, folks, the hunched back at 2o-friggin-4 from constantly picking up the trash my boys scatter as they go, like leaves from a tree, for the chance to watch them grow and thrive in relative cleanliness, amusing as hell with their random off-the-wall antics and comments. BOYS. MEN. Can't live live with 'em, can't live without 'em, sure as hell can't teach 'em where the garbage can is.