VivaCity

Dear Men,

I am writing you as a representative of the female gender. I hope this letter reaches you in good health. May your balls not itch nor your hairline recede.

The purpose of this letter is something like a general inquiry...I must know...I think the best way would be to put it to you bluntly...Here goes...What IS it with the penis?? Please, please enlighten me.

The fascination seems endless. As a baby, Spencer, my first son's favorite plaything was the afore-mentioned objeto de la fascinación. He actually had trouble when he first started walking...I call this Al Bundy Syndrome, or metal-penis-magnet-hands disease. And when I first changed my second son's diaper in Spencer's presence, fugghedaboudit. A BABY PENIS! He squealed with delight. It's SO CUTE!! (I swear he said this, you can't make priceless gems like this up.) Julian looked adoringly up at Spencer like, Please, kind sir, tell me more of this "penis" you speak of.

I'm also curious, dear male gender, as to when in addition to why. When can I safely tell my SO, Significant Other, or Sperm Operator, in this case, that I am going up to bed without him hearing Oh my GAWD, you big dirty nasty So'N'So, I've been so terribly naughty lately, I DO believe I should be punished, and then would you mind doing me all night long? If dreaming of throwing you out the nearest window is bad, then yes, in fact I have been terribly naughty lately. But I honestly meant I was going upstairs to SLEEP, crazy as that may sound. YOU tell your penis, I don't feel like arguing with him tonight. He's still pissed at me for nicking him with my tooth that one time.

I suppose this penile obsession has just been brought to my attention recently, when I heard the strains of that lovely little ditty "Peeeee-nis, my peeeee-nis, oh peeeee-nis..." wafting down the hall. You know this one, sing along. I think I'd be more concerned if my 3-yr-old HADN'T yet come up with a beautiful tribute to his favorite anatomy.

So I must know, men, when does it end? When will the testosterone in my house drop to a safe, inhabitable level?? WHY the fascination? Is there anything I can do about this? Is there some gold-plated diamond-studded rattle toy of the future that could possibly distract my baby from becoming obsessed with his junk? Or am I doomed to forever be the lone island of estrogen-driven logical common sense in this sea of testosterone and all things penile??

In closing, I thank you for your time and attention to this matter. I know you are quite busy. It's been 10 minutes you've spent reading now; your penises must be SCREAMING for attention.

Sincerely,
Cera
President, Mothers Against Senseless Fondling