VivaCity

Breaking news...Oh my God, we have been invaded. Of course, by "invaded," I mean I have seen more than a half dozen in the past two weeks. And by "oh my God," I mean WHAT THE FUCK is the world coming to when my home's WALLS aren't enough to stop an invading army of the worst sort of critters??? And by critters, I mean...I hope you're sitting down...Actually if you're reading your screen standing up I'd be very interested to hear your story...These critters are in fact SQUINCHY BUGS. Although I'm sure they have some 5-worded latin name, I have neither time nor patience to Google "long wicked-looking beetle bug + ass pincers" and find out what it is. You know what I mean...They have those curved pincers coming out of their ass that make your stomach feel all...squinchy when you look at them. Hence squinchy bugs. If you don't know what I'm talking about, count your lucky stars that you've never had the misfortune to gaze upon their hideous squinchiness, let alone be INVADED by them.

SO assures me it is no invasion, merely a visit, a polite showing-their-friends-around type thing due to the season and...multiple other factors I zoned out of. I was drifting off on thoughts of the eventuality of a SciFi Channel original movie where pot-smoking teenage babysitters and their boyfriends are chased screaming through the house by the asses of 8-feet-tall squinchy bugs, pincers gnashing nightmarishly. Teenagers can never just catch a break and make out in peace, can they? Sheesh.

So I've downgraded house alert status to orange. We are carefully checking shoes, toy baskets, and drink cups before gleefully jumping in. I know I've heard somewhere they bite, or sting or something, but SO swears he heard the opposite, that they're harmless (the old "don't bother them and they won't bother you" addage, HA!), so we're at a standoff with said squinchy bugs. If you see one, don't let him smell your fear, move quickly, and SQUISH the sucker with nearest squishing device ASAP. I'm considering hanging the next one up on a little toothpick cross as a warning to his friends. I'm afraid of PETA though, those people see everything. Or maybe hanging a teeny "Beware of Teething Baby" sign. Wouldn't that just send them screaming?? Bitches. Let's all move on, shall we?

Well I'm off for the day, darling reader (I know there's got to be ONE of you out there somewhere), so if you don't hear from me after the holiday, you'll know the squinchy bugs have won. Remember me fondly, and don't shed a tear, for my life was one of blissful ignorance.